I'm not sure where to start. Again. For what feels like the millionth time.
My activating anxiety has slowed to a molasses dribble of total apathy. I've circled on the hamster wheel yet again. I neglected my emotions and tried to force myself into a human shape that I felt was acceptable instead of doing the scary thing where I make choices that don't involve a false urgency to become a "model millennial."
If I see the word "hustle" one more time I might implode. The idea that I have to foster a fully realized personal brand that is palatable to companies that may want to hire me for my supposed youthful attitude in addition to keeping my 9-5 and so I can stay afloat financially and not fall into the dreaded "deadbeat whiner" stereotype seems like a prison the more my peers keep insisting that this way of life is the only way to be fulfilled. I don't know what I want.
I know enough that an "open concept" office is my worst nightmare. I know through my experience in interviews that I am incompatible with "too cool" start-up companies that hold a cult-like influence over their employees. Free craft beer nights, office dogs, and staff charity events... Corporations already own all of my personal information and filter my news; now I'm expected to become enmeshed with the company I work for as well?
Where is the medium between crushing boredom at a job versus a sacrifice of personal identity to fit into a company culture? I seem to be in the minority, in fashion especially, in thinking that maybe I don't want to become inseparable from the company I work for.
I am no longer buying the idea that a career, especially not a career in fashion, will be personally fulfilling. I don't know if this can be attributed to my generally dysthymic worldview or simply the cold realization that business is business no matter how stylish the product may be. I am questioning the whole thing and feeling lost. I reached my goal set in undergrad and I am still empty.
I am not sure if it's only my personal delusions that made me feel this way about my career but I can't help but think others may feel similarly. There wouldn't be this push to make workplaces look more like summer camps if people didn't want to make their jobs a "second home."
I am at a loss. Any semblance of direction has slipped away and my motivation to keep forcing myself through interviews and networking events is nonexistent. I can't seem to get excited about anything. I can't picture a future where I am successful.
I am not a brand. I am lost.